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<title>The Devil’s Dictionary: D</title>
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<h1>D</h1>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">damn,</span> <span class="pos">v.</span> A word formerly much used by the
Paphlagonians, the meaning of which is lost. By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed to have been a term of
satisfaction, implying the highest possible degree of mental tranquillity.
Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks it
expressed an emotion of tumultuous delight, because it so frequently occurs in
combination with the word <i>jod</i> or <i>god</i>, meaning “joy.” It would be with great diffidence that I
should advance an opinion conflicting with that of either of these formidable
authorities.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">dance,</span> <span class="pos">v.i.</span> To leap about to the sound of tittering
music, preferably with arms about your neighbor’s wife or daughter. There are many kinds of dances, but all
those requiring the participation of the two sexes have two characteristics in
common: they are conspicuously innocent, and warmly loved by the vicious.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">danger,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span></p>
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<p class="poetry">A savage beast which, when it sleeps,<br />
<span class="ind1">
Man girds at and despises,</span><br />
But takes himself away by leaps<br />
<span class="ind1">
And bounds when it arises.</span></p>
<p class="citeauth">Ambat Delaso.</p>
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<p class="entry"><span class="def">daring,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man in security.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">datary,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman
Catholic Church, whose important function is to brand the Pope’s bulls with the
words <i>Datum Romae</i>.He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship of God.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">dawn,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The time when men of reason go to
bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that
time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise
mortifying the flesh. They then point
with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe
years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their
habits, but in spite of them. The
reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all
the others who have tried it.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">day,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A period of twenty-four hours, mostly
misspent. This period is divided into
two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper—the former devoted to
sins of business, the latter consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of social activity overlap.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">dead,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span></p>
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<p class="poetry">
Done with the work of breathing;
done<br />
With all the world; the mad race
run<br />
Though to the end; the golden goal<br />
Attained and found to be a hole!</p>
<p class="citeauth">Squatol Johnes.</p>
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<p class="entry"><span class="def">debauchee,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure
that he has had the misfortune to overtake it.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">debt,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An ingenious substitute for the chain and
whip of the slave-driver.</p>
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<p class="poetry">As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet<br />
Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet,<br />
Pressing his nose against the glass that
holds him,<br />
Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him;<br />
So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him,<br />
Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him,<br />
Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it,<br />
And finds at last he might as well
have paid it.</p>
<p class="citeauth">Barlow S. Vode.</p>
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<p class="entry"><span class="def">decalogue,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A series of commandments, ten in number—just
enough to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to
embarrass the choice. Following is the
revised edition of the Decalogue, calculated for this meridian.</p>
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<p class="poetry">Thou shalt no God but me adore:<br />
‘Twere too expensive to have more.</p>
<p class="poetry">No images nor idols make<br />
For Robert Ingersoll to break.</p>
<p class="poetry">Take not God’s name in vain; select<br />
A time when it will have effect.</p>
<p class="poetry">Work not on Sabbath days at all,<br />
But go to see the teams play ball.</p>
<p class="poetry">Honor thy parents. That creates<br />
For life insurance lower rates.</p>
<p class="poetry">Kill not, abet not those who kill;<br />
Thou shalt not pay thy butcher’s bill.</p>
<p class="poetry">Kiss not thy neighbor’s wife, unless<br />
Thine own thy neighbor doth caress</p>
<p class="poetry">Don’t steal; thou’lt never thus compete<br />
Successfully in business. Cheat.</p>
<p class="poetry">Bear not false witness—that is low—<br />
But “hear ‘tis rumored so and so.”</p>
<p class="poetry">Covet thou naught that thou hast not<br />
By hook or crook, or somehow, got.</p>
<p class="citeauth">G. J.</p>
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<p class="entry"><span class="def">decide,</span> <span class="pos">v.i.</span> To succumb to the preponderance of one set
of influences over another set.</p>
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<p class="poetry">A leaf was riven from a tree,<br />
“I mean to fall to earth,” said he.</p>
<p class="poetry">The west wind, rising, made him veer.<br />
“Eastward,” said he, “I now shall steer.”</p>
<p class="poetry">The east wind rose with greater force.<br />
Said he: “’Twere wise to change my course.”</p>
<p class="poetry">With equal power they contend.<br />
He said: “My judgment I suspend.”</p>
<p class="poetry">Down died the winds; the leaf, elate,<br />
Cried: “I’ve decided to fall straight.”</p>
<p class="poetry">“First thoughts are best?” That’s not the moral;<br />
Just choose your own and we’ll not quarrel.</p>
<p class="poetry">Howe’er your choice may chance to fall,<br />
You’ll have no hand in it at all.</p>
<p class="citeauth">G. J.</p>
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<p class="entry"><span class="def">defame,</span> <span class="pos">v.t.</span> To lie about
another. To tell the truth about another.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">defenceless,</span> <span class="pos">adj. </span>Unable to attack.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">degenerate,</span> <span class="pos">adj. </span>Less conspicuously admirable than
one’s ancestors. The contemporaries of
Homer were striking examples of degeneracy; it required ten of them to raise a
rock or a riot that one of the heroes of the Trojan war could have raised with
ease. Homer never tires of sneering at
“men who live in these degenerate days,” which is perhaps why they suffered him
to beg his bread—a marked instance of returning good for evil, by the way, for
if they had forbidden him he would certainly have starved.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">degradation,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> One of the stages of moral and
social progress from private station to political preferment.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">deinotherium,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An extinct pachyderm that flourished
when the Pterodactyl was in fashion. The latter was a native of Ireland, its name being pronounced Terry
Dactyl or Peter O’Dactyl, as the man pronouncing it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">dejeuner,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The breakfast of an American who has been in
Paris. Variously pronounced.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">delegation,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> In American politics, an article of
merchandise that comes in sets.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">deliberation,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The act of examining one’s bread to
determine which side it is buttered on.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">deluge,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A notable first experiment in baptism which
washed away the sins (and sinners) of the world.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">delusion,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The father of a most respectable family,
comprising Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many
other goodly sons and daughters.</p>
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<p class="poetry">All hail, Delusion! Were it not for thee<br />
The world turned topsy-turvy we should see;<br />
For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies,<br />
Would fly abandoned Virtue’s gross advances.</p>
<p class="citeauth">Mumfrey Mappel.</p>
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<p class="entry"><span class="def">dentist,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A prestidigitator who, putting metal into
your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">dependent,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> Reliant upon another’s generosity
for the support which you are not in a position to exact from his fears.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">deputy,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A male relative of an office-holder, or of
his bondsman. The deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and an intricate system of cobwebs
extending from his nose to his desk. When accidentally struck by the janitor’s broom, he gives off a cloud of dust.</p>
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<p class="poetry">“Chief Deputy,” the Master cried,<br />
“To-day the books are to be tried<br />
By experts and accountants who<br />
Have been commissioned to go through<br />
Our office here, to see if we<br />
Have stolen injudiciously.<br />
Please have the proper entries made,<br />
The proper balances displayed,<br />
Conforming to the whole amount<br />
Of cash on hand—which they will count.<br />
I’ve long admired your punctual way—<br />
Here at the break and close of day,<br />
Confronting in your chair the crowd<br />
Of business men, whose voices loud<br />
And gestures violent you quell<br />
By some mysterious, calm spell—<br />
Some magic lurking in your look<br />
That brings the noisiest to book<br />
And spreads a holy and profound<br />
Tranquillity o’er all around.<br />
So orderly all’s done that they<br />
Who came to draw remain to pay.<br />
But now the time demands, at last,<br />
That you employ your genius vast<br />
In energies more active. Rise<br />
And shake the lightnings from your eyes;<br />
Inspire your underlings, and fling<br />
Your spirit into everything!”<br />
The Master’s hand here dealt a whack<br />
Upon the Deputy’s bent back,<br />
When straightway to the floor there fell<br />
A shrunken globe, a rattling shell<br />
A blackened, withered, eyeless head!<br />
The man had been a twelvemonth dead.</p>
<p class="citeauth">Jamrach Holobom.</p>
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<p class="entry"><span class="def">destiny,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A tyrant’s authority for crime and fool’s excuse for failure.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">diagnosis,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A physician’s forecast of the disease by the
patient’s pulse and purse.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">diaphragm,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A muscular partition separating disorders of
the chest from disorders of the bowels.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">diary,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A daily record of that part of one’s life,
which he can relate to himself without blushing.</p>
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<p class="poetry">Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ<br />
All that he had of wisdom and of wit.<br />
So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died,<br />
Erased all entries of his own and cried:<br />
“I’ll judge you by your diary.” Said Hearst:<br />
“Thank you; ‘twill show you I am Saint the First”—<br />
Straightway producing, jubilant and proud,<br />
That record from a pocket in his shroud.<br />
The Angel slowly turned the pages o’er,<br />
Each stupid line of which he knew before,<br />
Glooming and
gleaming as by turns he hit<br />
On Shallow sentiment and stolen wit;<br />
Then gravely closed the book and gave it back.<br />
“My friend, you’ve wandered from your proper track:<br />
You’d never be content this side the tomb—<br />
For big ideas Heaven has little room,<br />
And Hell’s no latitude for making mirth,”<br />
He said, and
kicked the fellow back to earth.</p>
<p class="citeauth">“The Mad Philosopher.”</p>
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<p class="entry"><span class="def">dictator,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The chief of a nation that prefers the
pestilence of despotism to the plague of anarchy.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">dictionary,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language
and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">die,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The singular of “dice.”
We seldom hear the word, because there is a
prohibitory proverb, “Never say die.” At long intervals, however, some one says:
“The die is cast,” which is not true, for it is cut. The word is found in an immortal couplet by
that eminent poet and domestic economist, Senator Depew:</p>
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<p class="poetry">A cube of cheese no larger than a die</p>
May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie.
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<p class="entry"><span class="def">digestion,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The conversion of victuals into
virtues. When the process is imperfect,
vices are evolved instead—a circumstance from which that wicked writer, Dr.
Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">diplomacy,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The patriotic art of lying for one’s country.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">disabuse,</span> <span class="pos">v.t.</span> The present your neighbor with another and better error than the one
which he has deemed it advantageous to embrace.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">discriminate,</span> <span class="pos">v.i.</span> To note the particulars in which
one person or thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">discussion,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A method of confirming others in their errors.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">disobedience,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">disobey,</span> <span class="pos">v.t.</span> To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity of a command.</p>
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<p class="poetry">His right to govern me is clear as day,<br />
My duty manifest to disobey;<br />
And if that fit observance e’er I shut<br />
May I and duty be alike undone.</p>
<p class="citeauth">Israfel Brown.</p>
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<p class="entry"><span class="def">dissemble,</span> <span class="pos">v.i.</span> To put a clean shirt upon the character.</p>
<p class="quote" style="text-align: center">Let us dissemble.—<i>Adam.</i></p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">distance,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The only thing that the rich are willing for
the poor to call theirs, and keep.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">distress,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">divination,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The art of nosing out the
occult. Divination is of as many kinds
as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flowering dunce and the early fool.</p>
<p id="dog" class="entry"><span class="def">dog,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity
designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world’s worship. This Divine Being in some of his smaller and
silkier incarnations takes, in the affection of Woman, the place to which there
is no human male aspirant. The Dog is a survival—an anachronism. He toils not,
neither does he spin, yet Solomon in all his glory never lay upon a door-mat
all day long, sun-soaked and fly-fed and fat, while his master worked for the
means wherewith to purchase the idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned with a
look of tolerant recognition.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">dragoon,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A soldier who combines dash and steadiness in so equal measure
that he makes his advances on foot and his retreats on horseback.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">dramatist,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> One who adapts plays from the French.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">druids,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Priests and ministers of an ancient Celtic
religion which did not disdain to employ the humble allurement of human
sacrifice. Very little is now known
about the Druids and their faith. Pliny
says their religion, originating in Britain, spread eastward as far as
Persia. Caesar says those who desired
to study its mysteries went to Britain. Caesar himself went to Britain, but does not appear to have obtained any
high preferment in the Druidical Church, although his talent for human sacrifice
was considerable.</p>
<p class="indentpara">Druids performed their
religious rites in groves, and knew nothing of church mortgages and the
season-ticket system of pew rents. They
were, in short, heathens and—as they were once complacently catalogued by a
distinguished prelate of the Church of England—<i>Dissenters.</i></p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">duck-bill,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back season.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">duel,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A formal ceremony preliminary to the
reconciliation of two enemies. Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance; if awkwardly performed the
most unexpected and deplorable consequences sometimes ensue. A long time ago a man lost his life in a duel.</p>
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<p class="poetry">That dueling’s a gentlemanly vice<br />
<span class="ind1">
I hold; and wish that it had been my lot</span><br />
<span class="ind1">
To live my life out in some favored spot—</span><br />
Some country where it is considered nice<br />
To split a rival like a fish, or slice<br />
<span class="ind1">
A husband like a spud, or with a shot</span><br />
<span class="ind1">
Bring down a debtor doubled in a knot</span><br />
And ready to be put upon the ice.<br />
Some miscreants there are, whom I do long<br />
<span class="ind1">
To shoot, to stab, or some such way reclaim</span><br />
The scurvy rogues to better lives and manners,<br />
I seem
to see them now—a mighty throng.<br />
<span class="ind1">
It looks as if to challenge me they came,</span><br />
Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners!</p>
<p class="citeauth">Xamba Q. Dar.</p>
</td>
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<p class="entry"><span class="def">Dullard,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A member of the reigning dynasty in letters
and life. The Dullards came in with
Adam, and being both numerous and sturdy have overrun the habitable world. The secret of their power is their
insensibility to blows; tickle them with a bludgeon and they laugh with a
platitude. The Dullards came originally
from Boeotia, whence they were driven by stress of starvation, their dullness
having blighted the crops. For some
centuries they infested Philistia, and many of them are called Philistines to
this day. In the turbulent times of the
Crusades they withdrew thence and gradually overspread all Europe, occupying
most of the high places in politics, art, literature, science and
theology. Since a detachment of
Dullards came over with the Pilgrims in the <i>Mayflower</i>
and made a favorable report of the country, their increase by birth, immigration,
and conversion has been rapid and steady. According to the most trustworthy statistics the number of adult
Dullards in the United States is but little short of thirty millions, including
the statisticians. The intellectual
centre of the race is somewhere about Peoria, Illinois, but the New England
Dullard is the most shockingly moral.</p>
<p class="entry"><span class="def">duty,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire.</p>
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<p class="poetry">Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court,</p>
Was wroth at his master, who’d kissed Lady Port.<br />
His anger provoked him to take the king’s head,<br />
But duty prevailed, and he took the king’s bread,<br />
<span class="ind3">
Instead.</span>
<p class="citeauth">G. J.</p>
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